About 3 weeks ago I received a “Survivorship” packet from my medical team at Dallas Methodist. It outlines everything I need to know about how to care for myself after cancer. This packet is thick, requiring a phone conversation with a nurse, who stressed the importance of following the instructions inside. It’s a template for the lifestyle I should live for the best shot of staying in remission.
I haven’t opened the packet yet.
Because I’m suppose to be done! Remission was suppose to be the end of this story. Every time I open the folder my insides groan at the thought of having to be mentally aware and actively practicing anymore routines related to my health. I’m tired of thinking about surviving; I simply want to live haphazardly without scrutinizing over harmful food ingredients, mandatory checkups and exercise regimes. Can I have one year of reckless living?
No I can’t. Honestly the majority of us can’t afford to, whether you’re a survivor or not. So I’m fighting the temptation to ignore the work that comes with survivorship, and making some intentional life changes. The first: exercise.
So, I accompanied my sister to the gym this morning. She promised to show me the ropes and walk me through her exercise routine. I actually was excited to be acting on something as important as this- it was time to get this body fully healthy and in shape. After all there is kingdom work to be done!
Y’all, the gym kicked my tail! This is the most out of shape I have been in my life! Between gasping for breath and questioning if I’ll see tomorrow, a revelation came when the Lord spoke to me saying, “This is why you haven’t opened the packet. You didn’t think you could do the work.”
I automatically counted life change as unlikely, for I doubted that I had the strength or drive to do it. I was fearful of the work ahead, fearful of failing once again, fearful of committing to a new way of living because I knew it required a deep, soul stirring work. This was deeper than a diet or a Pinterest inspired ab workout- this was about healing my soul which had been crushed by years of illness. This was about the lie that I can’t do "fill in the blank". This would be the second fight for my life in which I would be reminded of my fragility. This was more than laziness, rebelliousness or ignorance- this was a psychological war in which I would fight for my strength, worthiness and capabilities.
What is it that you’re procrastinating? On the surface it seems you are just putting something off until the next day, week, month or year, but truly you’re running from it. And we have to ask ourselves, “Why does this torment me so? What makes me hide from my responsibilities or dreams?”
So, I’m allowing God to do the work in revealing to me the answers to these questions. I have a feeling that most of them will come while on the elliptical at the gym.